There are tasks in life that should, once mastered, be completed without complication. Having a drink is one of them. I am not talking about the swigging of a mind-altering, sense-dulling beverage. I'm talking about a regular thirst quencher. Drinking is a skill I mastered some years ago now. It is intensely irritating to discover my mastery is not as masterly as I thought.
I was on my way to an important meeting, complete with important people. My aim was twofold: (a) to convince them of my good idea and (b) to convince them to let me do what I wanted. In need of some fortification, I purchased a takeaway coffee and walked back to my car to drive to said meeting.
As I approached my car I noticed my reflection in the car door. My coffee, which I was fairly sure I had been pouring in my mouth, was mostly down the front of my loose fitting white shirt.
Clearly mistaken about the ultimate destination of the coffee, I made a hasty detour to a nearby shopping centre, and a clothing shop. Explanation to the friendly assistant was hardly required. At her insistence, I stood in the fitting room, my coffee soaked attire stuffed into a bag, while she ironed a brand new shirt I would simultaneously pay for, wear and (she promised) look fabulous in.
There are times when skill deficits are best overcome with avoidance. I decided to stick to drinks of water when in or around a vehicle. My straw topped drink bottle with it's spill proof valve appeared much safer.
Safer, that is, until I went over a speed bump while sipping. At which point the straw speed bumped out of my mouth. At which point some hitherto undiscovered law of fluid dynamics was invoked and a water fountain ensued. This time unstained, my shirt was sopping.
Not to be deterred I went back to the good old screw top lidded water bottle. No straws, no syphons, no stains. Just tilt head and drink. Simple.
Simple, that is, until I had my sun visor positioned at an odd angle. And the bottom of the water bottle somehow wedged itself in the small space between the car roof and sun visor. All this, while my head was tilted and my mouth was drinking.
This time I was not to be beaten. I did not get stained. I did not get soaked. I did drink 600mL of Sydney Water's finest in one gulp.
If it's all going down the front of yours and you're just a little irritated about it, may I suggest next week's menu?